Let’s face it – no one reads anymore. In fact, if you do you hide it. It’s embarrassing to admit you still do it – kind of like admitting you still use MySpace, for example.
In fact, even knowing how to read marks you as perhaps one of the dreaded out of touch “elites.”
Aside from the social stigma of being a literate reader, there’s just the fact that when you’re part of “Real America,” the part that’s not out of touch, you sure don’t have time to read, or to learn to read.
Sure, in school they still attempt to teach it, but like algebra, when are you ever going to use it in practically in real life? And, heaven knows, if it can’t be used practically, then what good is it?
Unfortunately, there are still some schools and universities and even a few employers who are still elitist enough to expect you to know how to read, and to know a few things about books. Fortunately, this won’t last much longer, but for now, some classes, teachers, etc. want you to know about some books written a zillion years ago by weirdo dorks who thought they were better than us just because they could do this thing called “critical thinking” or had “creative literary skill,” or could invent some silly thing called the “theory of relativity,” – like who did they think they were anyway, Einstein? Regardless, for now, at least, while people like Obama (elitist professor) are still in charge, it could be to your advantage to play along. Of course, no one expects you to really do it, but just fake it.
That’s where we come in- we provide a product called “Cliff’s Notes for Dummies”. (Note we have already resolved the intellectual property lawsuit regarding this since Cliff’s Notes are much different than our product – they are just as much of a waste of time and hard to read as the book itself anyway).
We can give you a short synapsis of a book, or a biography of a writer or thinker, etc. – enough for you to fake knowing not only how to read and write a sentence but actually what the thing means.
The good thing is, standards in college are so low now that just by reading these you will impress your professor so much that you’ll ace the class and probably be known as the smartest in the class. Of course, that could be a liability (and will be soon) but not yet. But at the very least, you could win trivia games.
Of course, it’s embarrassing to admit, or let others think, that you’re actually READING. So this is strictly confidential. The only ones who will know you can read (or think you can) will be profs, elitists, etc., that you have to play the game for….the best thing is, these Notes will NOT clutter your mind with knowledge or take up valuable space your brain should be using spending it on video games and “social” interaction in front of a computer in your dark basement with strangers in Thailand.
They are written for “dummies,” but even dummies don’t need to understand them. You just need to be able to transfer, or, like, copy, the notes- no understanding or memorizing necessary, and they will do the trick.
For example, you may be asked, “Who was Karl Marx?” To gain bonus points, the Notes teach you to say, “the 4th Marx brother” – if your prof is REALLY old- but then, to seriously say, “The guy we want to take our country back from – see “Barack Obama.”
We realize that you have to be able to read somewhat since you’re reading this, but we’ve got this whole thing on audio. So actually you can listen to our sales pitch and our Notes without having to read a thing. Not only that but in our next version we will have microchips that can be directly installed into your brain so that you don’t even have to listen to the audio. (This version will be much more expensive, obviously.)
The Notes even teach you how to write out answers in English to written exams, etc., through a crude shorthand that does not even require you to know the alphabet. How’s that?
Thankfully society is progressing fast enough that probably within a decade, all books will have been burned (because they will all have been transferred to Google), and then Google will crash and lose all those darn books. Then problem solved. Then there won’t be no book learning going on anymore by them elitist smarty-pantses out there.
So this is just a stop-gap measure to help you get along until that age arrives. Further on down the road, once there are no books and thus no reading, quite possibly language will go the way of the horse and buggy too, thus reducing us to the level of chimpanzees, the way nature intended. (There is a Note explaining “horse and buggy.”)
Then without words, without language, here will be no more miscommunication, and therefore peace and utopia will reign.
Until then use “Cliff’s Notes for Dummies.”